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ELD mandate threatens to shut down Santa

 Santa is outraged by the clear attempts of the Grinch to thwart Christmas under so-called
Santa is outraged by the clear attempts of the Grinch to thwart Christmas under so-called “safety measures.”

Like many carriers, Santa has been stressed about the ELD mandate, knowing that compliance is impossible, and kids would not understand that the FMCSA was operating alongside the Grinch in a coordinated effort. Elf Snowflake, Chief Household Intelligence Elf for Logistics and Data (CHILD), told Freightwaves that “On a sleepless run, Santa must hit 1.34 million addresses per minute.”

Approximately 2.5 billion kids worldwide were at risk of untimely delivery due to the ELD mandate. Sources close to the situation are reporting that Santa does not have the necessary amount of hours to deliver toys to kids everywhere. To make it across the globe, Santa must deliver the toys over a 31-hour period. This assumes that the window for delivery is 11PM to 7AM local.

With tougher enforcement, that rises from 2.4 million houses to 5 million every minute. Understand that’s going from 0.001 seconds to 0.0005 seconds to park, descend a chimney, deliver presents, devour cookies & milk, and depart for the next house. Urbanization has helped, but with strictly enforced ELDs, Santa needs to improve his speed from about 635 miles per second to over 1,100 mps. The reindeer can do that on a steep descent, but it’s dangerous to consider going to 1,100 as an average mps.  

Under the HOS rules, Santa would only be able to drive for a total of 17 hours over the 31 delivery window. In years past, Santa was not concerned about HOS rules, but the FMCSA (working in conjunction with the Grinch) made it clear that breaking the rules would not be tolerated.

According to an agency source, the FMCSA, working with local and state authorities, has implemented a zero-tolerance policy to rules violators, and violations would potentially mean the loss of his operating authority. Our source suggested that auditors from the agency were already in route to verify compliance.

Early reports indicated a very real possibility of victory for the Grinch in notifying the FMCSA about Santa’s lack of compliance with Electronic Logging Devices (ELDs), but Santa has outmaneuvered him again and converted to a 4PL, becoming the largest purchaser of on-demand capacity in the world.

While many credit Santa with being a manufacturer of toys, this is no longer the case. The North Pole has converted to a carrier over the years, pivoting away from insourced goods.

In an exclusive to Freightwaves, Elf Sammy, Chief Elf Officer (CEO), of North Pole operations stated, “Kids want goods that are marketed by global brands. Our homemade goods are not popular anymore, so we have reverted to partnering with toy, electronic, and clothing suppliers throughout the world. Kids are much happier, and parents prefer it because they are able to get support if something breaks. We spend weeks mining data from kids all over the world, based on lists they send us. We have a clear plan in terms of what goods are in demand and start stockpiling in early November.” Sammy stated that no one runs as sophisticated of a supply-chain as the North Pole and even hinted that Jeff Bezos has elf lineage in his ancestry.

“Rest assured,” says Hal Holloway, Chief Logistics Officer of North Pole Xpress, “Christmas is not in danger for children around the world. Santa’s logistics team has been coordinating with our team members for the past few weeks, and has purchased supplemental capacity. It’s a huge undertaking for sure, with the billions of packages expected to ship this holiday season, but our carriers have plenty of lift and are used to dealing with global demand surges. Santa has implemented blockchain in all his logistics activities, so you can track Santa on the NORAD tracking system, with seamless tracking and instant alerts upon delivery.”

Regardless of the obstacle, logistics finds a way. Have a great holiday season and be safe. 

-Your friends at FreightWaves! 

FreightWaves is the number one source in Navigating the freight markets with 250,000 readers per month and 3.6M monthly impressions. Stay up-to-date with the latest commentary and insights on the freight markets by subscribing.

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8 Comments

  1. Glad to see everyone thinks it’s a joke, but it won’t be when there is no food on your dinner table and if it is you better bring your wallet

  2. Morning folks, that is funny. I thank you for sharing your kindness and love. Good old Saint nick getting pulled over. Thank You for thee humerus articles. David Lee Johnson Charleston South Carolina

  3. Don’t worry kids if his sleigh is 1999 or older he will be exempt or if reindeer are considered livestock he may be exempt if Santa explains how big and powerful his company his he might be exempt. But now if Santa has operating his sleigh for 42 years 100% accident free and has been destroyed by Obamacare and the IRS and reindeer feed and vet bills are through the roof and he lives pay check to pay check he will probably need to be compliant to prove himself safe

  4. It would seem to me that truck drivers would find some good in this new mandate. There are a variety of negative claims made but a couple benefits would be safer drivers because they are not as tired and, since this is could/would/should slow down deliveries, an increase in trucking demand. With stories abounding that a shortage of drivers already exists, this would further exacerbate that problem, meaning increased demand and higher rates. Maybe the trucking industry should look at the brighter side of this “problem”?

    Merry Christmas or Bah Humbug!

  5. I hope that rates soon are reflective of true value to each driver, base pay is enacted across the board guarenteeing pay take home numbers, and once on a sleep pattern that works for the week it is safer, as ELD does not allow "adujustments" to meet unreasonable demands.
    Merry Christmas!

  6. No disrespect Mr Bill but you’re a total idiot !!! Just because the federal government requires you to take a ten hour break when they tell you to now doesn’t mean you’re going to be rested . I’ve never slept over 6 hours in my adult life so by the time 10 hours of break is up for me I’m in a lot less rested state then I would have been with 4or5 hours sleep .It’s not about safety it’s about control and money . . You cannot write common sense into law that is impossible!!! I’ve been hearing about higher wages for many years now after 42 years of driving I’ve seen very little. By the way is 100% accident free without the use of an ELD how did I ever do it. As for driver shortages truck driving schools are turning out graduates by the hundreds. As a owner operator I honestly take home less money today than I did in the late 80’s most of the reason being the federal government. Until you walk in my shoes don’t tell me how well it’s going to work for me !!!

  7. In 2010, the FMCSA reports that only 1.4 percent of fatal truck accidents were the result of truck driver fatigue, of this 1.4% are accidents in which a driver was over on hours and automatically deemed as "Driver Fatigue".
    I would think it has been extremely rare to find a driver falling asleep at the wheel but I predict it will happen more bcoz driver is not allowed to think for himself and will continue to keep driven despite being sleepy due to clock running out, also driver will no longer have the option of taking a nap to avoid ATL rush hour and will just have to bend over
    If this problem is a real problem then everybody needs to get paid by the hour with OT and the rest

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